she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work