I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Drunk is a universal language darling
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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