Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
