why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
