my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
