happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
