take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
