So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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