she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
