So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
