Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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