Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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