Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
