Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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