Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
