I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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