i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Everything about him screamed your future.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
