Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
