I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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