walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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