Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize