I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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