She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
