look no pants
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
