I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
