if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
