All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
