I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
