i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
