i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
