I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
