I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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