Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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