sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
