She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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