I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
