My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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