i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
