my phone needs a breathalizer
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
