Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
