I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
