it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just high enough for therapy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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