im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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