that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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