i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I could make wine with my vomit
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
