Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
