i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
