I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
