I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
