I'm going to jail i love you
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
