I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver