so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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