i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
