ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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