I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
