You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
