I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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