All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
